years and years have passed and, 
oh well,
i feel the same.
i guess, in the grand scheme of things,
it really hasn’t been that long
but perspective is a funny thing. 

all i’ve known, for so long, is this same
feeling, 
complete and total emptiness, 
absent is the euphoria that 
opiate fiends reach for, but
that weighty, wonderful apathy
has accompanied me through
every memory i have.

told me “it’ll be fine”, 
“you’ll be able to 
do it.
later.”
well well well
now is the time to disregard
that heaven sent attitude.

i’ve seen everyone else and
the things that they are working towards,
the goals that they wrestle into submission,
thriving off of the musky wet rank of 
achievement,
they do me no good. 

used to be, sometimes,
the light would be just right
and you could look through the window at the front of your
house
and everything was gold and green.
made you feel like royalty.
i stepped outside the other night
and everything was a sickly blue,
the hue of the sky when
old farmers look up and swear they saw
an alien.
made me feel like dying. 

used to be,
you could walk outside and 
grab hold of the nearest hand
and follow this great big chain around
and see what everyone else saw
and know it was the same for everyone.
i walked out my door the other day and 
the first thing i grabbed was my own neck
face purple, 
mouth opening and closing in panic,
that heady rush that comes with
a lack of oxygen.
next thing i knew, head on the concrete,
headache gnawing its way through
the back 
of my right eye.
dusting myself off,
wondering aloud why i always came back,
kicking up rocks as i searched
for something that would help me try harder.

i can’t tell it strong enough though,
i’m tired, 
maybe gonna sleep soon,
always seems to be something stopping me,
waking me up for a couple more minutes.

You know, like when you sit in church, dragged there by your grandmother’s insistence of her imminent death, nodding as you drift into sleep and snapping up just before you cross the threshold into unconsciousness. And you sit there for that second, wondering how you could have ever felt as tired as you had a minute ago, telling yourself that of course you’ll be able to stay awake this time, only to find yourself drifting back to where you started, awoken again maybe by the jolt of your brother’s elbow as the congregation stands up and you drearily follow suit. 

used to be it was difficult to fall fully asleep,
there was always something grabbing me by the 
shoulders, 
shaking me awake,
maybe a more beautiful than usual sunset,
maybe a chemically induced revelation,
something steering me towards what everyone else
is looking for all the time.
but somewhere along the lines, i lost whatever
everyone else is trying to find.