steppin them hot coal steps again,
kicking hard against my brain.

when i felt bad, real bad,
i ended up on a gurney and two
young men pushed hard and didn’t look in my eyes
and tried to think about what they wanted
for dinner instead. 

next morning and silence and
breakfast and a thick book
with too many words to occupy my time until

commotion.

i noticed arms first, your arms.
they shook.

then smile (smile!) in this place! unshaven
and an air of children around your head and
deep deep in your chest.

quick to the bathroom hands clenched and cock hard
jerking off until it hurt and imagining 
your hands folded on the table as you cried.